Crystal Blue
by sheepish123
Summary: Amanda's life hangs in the balance after being shot by a sniper and Olivia is right by her side. Takes place during "Poisoned Motive". Short three-shot. Olivia/Amanda pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**The first chapter of this story takes place during the scene where Amanda is shot in season 14's episode "Poisoned Motive" and is my interpretation of events. Trigger warnings for violence.**

 **I am slowly but surely getting caught up with the stories I have fallen behind on – I'm making very good strides with chapter 5 of "Hidden Scars" and adding bits and pieces to the final chapter of "Hurricane". These stories aren't coming very easily to me anymore, though, and I'm finding them quite challenging to work on right now but I promise they will both get done eventually! I always finish my fanfics, even if it takes me several months, lol. :)  
**

 **I wanted to mention that my very good friend unbreakable86 came up with this idea first - of Olivia being by Amanda's side when she was shot. We had discussed this particular scenario months ago and I had completely forgotten our conversation. So this story was written because of her awesome idea. :)**

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 _"I don't want to know what it's like to live without you_

 _Don't want to know the other side of a world without you"_

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Crystal blue.

That is the color she associates with Amanda Rollins; the first thing Olivia Benson had noticed about the young detective when she had arrived fresh from Atlanta almost two years ago, those wide cerulean eyes bright with an eagerness and anticipation for the job that she herself hadn't felt in quite some time, bitter and jaded by how things had played out with her former partner and dragged down with a bone-deep exhaustion of many years spent slogging through the depravity and chaos of The Special Victims Unit.

The blonde woman was different, though; showing up to the station each day with a smile that could light up a room and overcome with an avid enthusiasm about her work, so determined to prove herself within the unit that her upbeat and can-do attitude usually bordered on downright obnoxious and grated relentlessly on Olivia's nerves. She had been forced to grit her teeth and just grin and bear it through some of the earlier cases they had shared together, occasionally correcting Amanda when her know-it-all attitude became somewhat out of hand, while simultaneously trying to push down a disconcerting mix of admiration and attraction for the blonde detective that threatened to burst forth from time to time.

She had gradually warmed up to the other woman as those first tumultuous and emotional weeks had turned into months and the months had turned into years, settling into a busy routine with Amanda and the rest of their squad, minus the one person she had mistakenly thought she could never live without, Elliot Stabler disappearing so thoroughly from her life it was as if his previous existence at the precinct had been something conjured up by her overactive imagination and he had never even been there at all.

Olivia had slowly adjusted to this new normal that had been thrust so harshly upon her without question or permission, the heartbreak of one of the biggest losses of her life slowly improving bit by bit until Amanda and the other new detective, Nick Amaro, fit in with the team so seamlessly it was as if they had always been there; like they truly belonged. Those odd feelings that had been conjured up by Amanda's arrival continued to simmer heatedly just below the surface, Olivia acknowledging to herself that the more time went by, the harder she fell for this detective who made her feel things she had never felt for anyone else before, unable to admit aloud that she was completely head over heels for a woman who tended to drive her nuts half the time.

She is quite sure that there is something between them that goes beyond that of work colleagues or casual friends and that it is not entirely one-sided; something that remains unspoken but is apparent in the lingering looks they give each other when no one else is watching, the soft, comforting touches against a back or a hand when a case has not gone well, one woman occasionally bringing coffee or a treat for the other when the week is dragging on and they are buried in the worst of what humanity has to offer, some of the most violent and heartbreaking cases enough to turn their stomachs.

Lately Olivia has been trying to work up the courage to ask Amanda out for a beer after work, or to invite the younger woman over for dinner and a movie or maybe a glass of wine or two, and the thought of spending time outside of the precinct with the blonde detective fills her with an indescribable warmth, butterflies beating their wings furiously inside her stomach as she resolves to speak to her colleague at the end of the day, when they can put their jobs aside until tomorrow and just relax. But for now they have to carry on with their current circumstances and deal with a sea of annoying reporters and noise that await them outside the precinct, those crystal blue eyes that had just been piercing into her own dark brown ones turned away from Olivia as she follows her teammates outside, the back of Amanda's blonde head bobbing up and down throughout the crowd as they make their way onto the street.

When the sudden shot rings out loudly and without warning from between the buildings, piercing straight through the sound and activity and causing screams of panic to rise up into the air as people scatter every which way in search of safety, Olivia is momentarily stunned before she springs into action, determined to find out exactly where the shot had come from and if anyone had been hurt or killed.

There is an immense amount of relief when she sees that both Fin and Amaro are unharmed, but the world seems to grind to a complete and utter halt when she realizes who is lying on the ground in an unnaturally still position, long blonde hair splayed out across the pavement and a tan trench coat already soaked in an ever-widening pool of blood. Those big blue eyes that had instantly caught Olivia's attention when she had first been introduced to Amanda Rollins are presently starting up at her with a combination of dread and agony, pained groans emitting from between parted lips and pale face scrunched up into a mask of intense distress and discomfort.

"Amanda!" Olivia cries out in alarm as she collapses onto her knees beside the fallen woman, immediately on her radio to call for a bus while Fin and Amaro take off into the crowd to hunt down the person who is responsible for this, after making sure their co-worker is alive and safe with Olivia.

"Just hang on, okay?" She is frantically stripping off her jacket and pressing it against the wound that seems to be on Amanda's chest, although it is hard to tell where the exact location is due to the amount of blood rapidly flowing across the younger woman's clothing and spilling out onto the ground below her.

Amanda is gazing up at her with eyes that are now hovering at half-mast, hooded with physical torment and a terror that is entirely evident; something that Olivia has never witnessed in the other woman's expression or demeanor before. The blonde detective is reaching up with one shaking and red-tinged hand to grasp onto Olivia's arm with a surprising strength, slim fingers gripping tightly onto the material of her shirt and blue eyes rolling briefly backward into her head as if the effort to speak is just too much for her.

"H-hurts," Amanda chokes out haltingly, breath coming out in ragged, irregular bursts, and there are tears stinging Olivia's eyes now as she gazes down at the woman who has come to mean so much to her over the past couple of years, overcome with a stark kind of terror she has previously only felt a handful of times in her life; a horror so acute that it threatens to paralyze both her body and her voice.

"Just hang on," she repeats firmly, resolute in trying to remain calm for Amanda and determined to be the smaller woman's anchor that will keep her afloat in this storm until the ambulance arrives, the hive of activity and shouting that is swirling around them dimming in her hearing until all she is aware of is the blonde detective's voice murmuring her name over and over again, begging Olivia not to leave her alone.

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise you that." There is a certain ferocity in Olivia's tone now as she presses her jacket so hard to Amanda's chest in an effort to stop the rapid flow of blood, that the action causes the younger woman to cry out in pain and a tear to slip from Olivia's eye.

"Sorry, honey," she soothes in a softer voice, the salty drop of moisture mixing in with the bright red liquid that has begun to surround Amanda in a crimson circle, her heart clenching in her chest with the realization that she has only contributed to the intense agony that her co-worker is already suffering. "I'll try to be more gentle."

"It's okay, Liv," Amanda whispers with great fatigue, her hand sliding down Olivia's arm so that her fingers are clutching onto her wrist with a slightly weaker hold now. "How bad is it?"

"I don't think it's too bad," Olivia assures her quickly with a neutral expression fixed on her face that betrays no emotion, but Amanda seems to see straight through her false statement anyway, a thin blonde eyebrow arching skeptically in response, a glimpse of the younger woman's usual cocky attitude on display.

"Liar," she replies with a short laugh that turns into a whimper, the noise low and drawn-out and causing another tear to fall from Olivia's eye. "You wouldn't be crying if it wasn't bad."

"It's just allergies," she scoffs in a tremulous tone, lip quirking up at the side as she watches those crystal blue eyes roll in derision and hears a soft snort escape from Amanda's lips before the action turns into a wince.

" _Allergies_ , sure," the younger woman replies with feigned good humor. "Should I feel honored that I'm special enough to make the tough and unflappable Olivia Benson cry?"

A strangled chuckle emits from Olivia's mouth as she tries in vain to put a halt to the tears, but two more of the traitorous drops roll down her cheeks before she can stop them, her anguish and fear dripping down onto Amanda's quivering body like a leaky faucet. "You're very special," she murmurs sincerely, wishing more than anything that she was able to pull the other woman into her arms and hold her. "You've always been special."

"Oh, really?" Amanda's eyebrow is cocked teasingly again, a smile playing at the corners of her lips before it turns into a grimace. "How special?"

" _Very_ ," Olivia says quietly, and the tears that are still trailing steady pathways down her cheeks refuse to abate. "Stop talking now, honey, okay? You need to save your strength. The ambulance will be here in a minute."

"But if I stop talking, I won't be able to say what I need to say," Amanda argues weakly, sharp fingernails digging painfully into Olivia's wrist as if she has to be entirely sure that she has her superior's attention and Olivia is not focused on anyone else.

"You can say whatever you need to say later," Olivia replies softly, pressing harder into Amanda's chest again when she notices that the blood flow has become stronger and trying desperately to contain the tears that have her vision so blurred, she can hardly see what she is doing.

"What if there is no later?"

The simple question that has just been asked by the blonde detective is both abrupt and honest and Olivia stares down at the smaller woman without blinking, their eyes locked intensely together and Amanda's fingers tightening incrementally around her wrist, something significant seeming to pass between them in the ensuing silence, Olivia's throat so clogged with emotion that she is unable to utter even a single word. Everything she has ever wanted to say to her colleague is poised on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to come spilling out into the open, desperate to finally confess these feelings that have only grown by leaps and bounds since that initial day together at the precinct so long ago, but there is only more silence when she opens her mouth to put a voice to all that needs to be said, the all-consuming devastation for what is currently happening obliterating any and all sound.

The only thought in her mind now is how Amanda's hand had felt in hers when they had first been introduced to each other, the smooth pale skin of the smaller hand seeming to fit perfectly against the olive skin of her own larger one, and how different the present situation is now that the same hand is gripping onto her with a strength that is rapidly dwindling, the tender white skin stained dark red with the blood that continues to pour out at an alarming rate, Amanda's pale face growing completely ashen as it drains of all color.

"I can hear the sirens," Olivia finally chokes out around a mouthful of tears, overcome with a wave of horror when Amanda's body suddenly jerks hard against the crimson pavement and she coughs raggedly, a bubble of blood the shade of a cherry appearing on her lips. "Stay with me, sweetheart, just stay with me."

The hands that are pressed so hard into Amanda's chest that she is afraid of cracking a bone, have shifted slightly with the unexpected movement of the younger woman's small form and the wound becomes visible for a split second before Olivia is covering it up again with a stricken gasp. The bullet hole in the upper part of Amanda's chest stands out blatantly between the soaking wet collar of her blouse as it steadily pumps crimson liquid out of her body and saturates everything in its wake; clothing, skin, hair, ground.

Olivia inhales a deep shuddering breath as the gunshot wound is quickly hidden from sight again, her hands closing protectively over the hole and determined to keep as much blood as possible from leaking out of the other woman's rapidly weakening body, Amanda moaning incoherently as she scrabbles at Olivia's arm with frantic fingers that are growing slower in their movements. The wailing of the sirens are almost deafening in their intensity now and Olivia knows that help will be arriving at any second; that Amanda just needs to hold on for a little bit longer.

The relief she feels at the impending aid and support is drowned out by the loud groan that Amanda emits through lips that are now coated in a thin film of blood, the blonde detective gritting Olivia's name out through clenched teeth, beads of sweat standing out on her forehead as her fragile body shivers uncontrollably on the ground.

"Shhh, sweetheart," she chastises gently, biting down hard on her lower lip to hold back the torrent of sobs that have risen to the surface and are intending on exploding out of her mouth in an overwhelming wave of grief, Amanda trying desperately to say something, insisting over and over again through hacking coughs and low moans that she needs to speak; that Olivia has to listen to what she is trying to say.

The sudden screech of tires and the abrupt halt of the screaming sirens barely register in Olivia's hearing as the sound of shoes hitting the pavement and the quick sprinting of feet blend together into background noise while she watches Amanda mouth three little words repeatedly, big blue eyes locked imploringly onto Olivia's own dark ones, blood-stained lips trying in vain to speak before they cease all movement and the blonde detective goes completely still.

"Amanda?" Olivia whimpers in dread, her stomach turning over so harshly that she almost vomits before the weeping starts in earnest, her body frozen to the filthy ground as she continues to hold her hands against the other woman's chest, blood leaking out from between her fingers to stain her skin, the two of them seemingly the only people to exist in that moment. "Talk to me, Amanda, please!" she begs brokenly, the exact opposite of what she had just been instructing the other woman to do. "Talk to me right now, damn it!"

Time seems to grind to a halt as Olivia waits for an answer that never comes, Amanda staring up at her with eyes that are entirely blank and devoid of emotion, the utter silence from a person who is usually overflowing with enthusiasm and ideas such a bizarre concept to behold that she cannot seem to wrap her head around the complete lack of sound; the dead quiet that permeates the air around the cramped space they share so unnatural that a shudder of disbelief races down her spine .

Everything that makes the young detective who she is, that firecracker of a personality that Olivia can now admit she has fallen hopelessly in love with, seems to have disappeared without a trace; the passion, the humor, the sarcasm, the joy, the anger. All she can concentrate on are those wide, unseeing eyes; deep spiritless pools of oblivion that hold no awareness, no pain, no love, no life.

Nothing but crystal blue.

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 _*Song lyrics by Ruelle's "The Other Side"_


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm not sure why I even bother stating how long a story is going to be in the summary because I'm never right, lol. At first this was going to be a one-shot that turned into a two-shot, and now there will be at least one more chapter after this. :)**

 **I have been working very hard to get caught up on the stories that I have fallen behind on over the past few months, so now the only one left to catch up on is "Hurricane", which has honestly been like pulling teeth to get the final chapter written, lol. I will continue to work as hard as I can on it, though! And chapter 6 of "Hidden Scars" will take much less time for me to post than the previous chapter did, as I have a better idea of the direction the story is going in now.**

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"So this is kind of weird, right?"

The simple yet complicated question that has just been asked by Amanda hangs in the air between them like a physical object as Olivia takes a slow sip of her red wine while she contemplates the inquiry, hoping the hint of uneasy tension that she feels is not visible in her posture when she replies with a tone that is casual and composed.

"Why is it weird?" she responds lightly, quirking a dark eyebrow at her colleague as she peers at the younger woman over the rim of her very full glass, that crystal blue gaze practically boring a hole right through her as Amanda stares intently back.

"Well, we work together, for one thing. You're the senior detective on our team and we've been partnered up for a few cases. Also, there's a bit of a...uh..." Amanda stumbles over her words and trails off before she can finish the sentence, a light blush coloring her pale cheeks now, and Olivia's eyebrow arches even higher on her forehead.

"A bit of a what?" she prods with amusement, even though she already knows what her co-worker is insinuating.

"Well, you're a tad more, um, _mature_ than I am," Amanda mumbles into her tumbler of wine, like she is trying to choose her words very carefully as the blush on her face only grows darker, and Olivia's lip lifts slightly at the corner, thinking how cute the other woman looks right now. It is not often that she gets to see this side of Amanda, the shyness and uncertainty; her fellow detective usually displaying a confidence that grates on her nerves on a fairly regular basis, and she feels quite privileged to be catching a glimpse of the bashful and sweet side of her personality.

"Are you calling me old, Rollins?" Olivia teases softly, trying to keep her tone lighthearted as she is well aware of the age difference between them and privately acknowledges that it had been one of the main factors in holding off on asking Amanda to come over for an evening that is less of the friendship variety and leaning more towards the romantic.

"Well, you're old _er_ ," Amanda corrects hastily, Olivia giving a short laugh in return as their eyes meet across the length of the couch they are sharing, each of them curled up at opposite ends and clutching tightly onto their glasses of liquid courage, although she feels anything but courageous at the moment, nervous butterflies beating their wings furiously inside her stomach. "Just a little bit older, though. It's not like you're a senior citizen just yet."

This time the laughter comes bursting out of Olivia's throat without being contained, unable to even take offense at this absurd comment as her colleague now looks utterly mortified, Amanda clapping a stricken hand over her mouth before taking another large gulp of her wine. "Nice save there, Rollins," she snickers jokingly, leaning forward to clasp the other woman's knee with her hand and squeezing gently in reassurance, aware that they have both consumed too much alcohol in their extreme nervousness and that it might be causing them to say some things they normally wouldn't. "I can promise you that I'm nowhere near an age that would qualify me as a senior citizen. Just how old do you think I am, anyway?"

"Oh my god, Liv, I am _so_ sorry," Amanda moans in response, her hand drifting up from her mouth to cover her eyes, as if the embarrassment of her words is too much for her handle and she has to avoid looking at Olivia. "I don't think you're old at all, really. It's just that there could be a bit of a conflict of interest when co-workers date each other-"

"Oh? Is that what this is? A date?" Olivia feigns innocence as she cuts the blonde detective off mid-sentence and shifts closer to her on the cushions, Amanda looking ridiculously adorable in her increasingly fumbling state.

"Well, you tell me," the younger woman replies cautiously, those big blue eyes that Olivia can't seem to get enough fixed firmly upon her once again. "Have I been reading the signs wrong? You're the one who asked me to come over here, Liv. What would you classify this evening as?"

"We can classify it as a date, if that's what you want," Olivia answers offhandedly, the beating of the butterfly wings in her stomach increasing in intensity until her entire body is overcome with a wave of anxious excitement at the prospect of their evening together being described as an actual date.

"Well, is that what _you_ want?" Amanda asks gingerly, appraising Olivia with an unreadable expression on her face, and she chuckles lightly as she continues to slowly move closer to the younger woman on the couch, unable to remember when something as simple as drinking a glass of wine in her apartment with another human being has held so much potential for more; has made her feel as giddy and terrified as a love-struck teenager on a first date.

"You're making this awkward, Amanda," she chides gently, stifling a groan of sympathy and amusement as her fellow detective lifts her hand to take another sip of her drink and misses her mouth entirely, the glass knocking hard against her chin and the crimson liquid sloshing over the rim and spilling down the front of her shirt to create an ever-widening stain across her chest.

"Well, now it's even _more_ awkward," Amanda snorts in a self-deprecating manner as she swipes impatiently at the moisture, Olivia frowning slightly and an uneasy laugh escaping her lips as she watches the stain spread rapidly across the material of the smaller woman's top so that it is encompassing her entire chest, something of significant importance nagging at the back of her brain.

"Let me get you a paper towel or maybe another shirt to change into," she offers in a voice that has risen slightly in panic as her frown deepens, although Olivia can't figure out why the sight of the dark red liquid has her feeling so unsettled and on edge.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Liv; I'm fine," Amanda replies nonchalantly, waving an unconcerned hand at her in response. "It's not that big a deal."

"But it's soaking right through your entire shirt," Olivia protests in confusion, gesturing down toward the article of clothing that has now turned completely red and noticing that it is beginning to stain Amanda's skin as well.

"Oh, really? I can barely feel it," the other woman says, tilting her head at Olivia and giving her a curious smile. "Actually, I can't feel anything at all now."

"What?" Olivia is staring at her colleague in perplexity, aware of a faint alarm ringing somewhere in the background and feeling that odd apprehension drawing a tighter hold around her body because something is definitely wrong here, but she can't quite put a finger on the exact problem. "What is that noise?"

"What noise?" The crimson stain has continued to spread at a rapid pace down the rest of Amanda's body, the brightness fading somewhat in the other woman's crystal blue eyes as Olivia continues to gaze at her with a growing sense of dread, her head starting to pound as the distant noise becomes louder and louder, a series of distinctly blaring beeps that are sounding one right after the next in a disturbingly ear-splitting fashion.

"Is that your phone?" she asks the younger woman in puzzlement, that nagging feeling in the back of her mind turning into a roaring alarm now, and she knows without a doubt that something is terribly wrong; that they shouldn't be here in her apartment, sipping wine and nervously flirting without a care in the world besides their awkward, blossoming relationship. "Is someone calling you?"

"Liv, I don't know what you're talking about; I can't hear anything at all," Amanda answers gently, like Olivia should already be aware of this and the smaller woman is having to remind her. "In fact, I think I should be going now. I've been here long enough. I need to go home."

"What are you talking about? You've only been here for an hour. I thought we were having a good time." Olivia can't pinpoint the exact reason the other woman's words are terrifying her so badly, but she knows that she can't let Amanda walk out of this room; has the strange and horrifying sense that she will never see her again if the blonde detective leaves her apartment. "You're welcome to stay here for as long as want."

"I really need to go, Olivia," Amanda insists softly, reaching forward to grasp onto her hand and giving it a tender squeeze before getting to her feet, the crimson liquid spilling onto the floor to create an expanding puddle of red that spreads out beneath her shoes and consumes everything in its path.

Olivia holds fast to the younger woman's small hand before Amanda's fingers slip through her own like water, tears welling up in her dark eyes and cascading down her cheeks in rivulets, her body seemingly glued to the couch as she watches her fellow detective walk away and reaching out with a desperate arm to try and catch her before she goes. "Amanda, please wait," she begs brokenly, knowing full well that the three little words hovering on the tip of her tongue are about to be said way too soon, but suddenly convinced that she will never get another chance to say them aloud. "At least let me tell you something before you go."

"There's not enough time, Liv." Amanda's tone holds a firmness now that wasn't there before, the other woman disappearing entirely from view as she strides out the apartment door, her voice barely audible as she speaks one last time. "And you need to get out of the way."

"Huh?" The noise is absolutely deafening now, an intense wailing that refuses to abate, and Olivia reaches up to cover her ears in an effort to block out the sound as her eyes clench tightly shut, aware of frantic hands clutching onto her shoulders and hoping that Amanda has changed her mind and decided to return, before there is a deep male voice speaking right next to her face, large fingers sliding down to dig into her upper arms with a strength that borders on painful.

"Olivia, you need to wake up and move away from the bed right now. You're in the way. Let the doctors do their jobs." Her eyelids fly open to see the blurry form of Fin crouching down beside the hard plastic chair that she is slumped in, the older man practically lifting Olivia to her feet amid a flurry of chaotic movement and sharp voices, the tiny sterile room of the Surgical Intensive Care Unit packed wall to wall with people as more than one alarm is blaring now, and she struggles to comprehend exactly what is going on as she finds herself shepherded out into the hallway to stand at a window that overlooks the small space she was just a part of.

Olivia is frozen to the ground as she watches what is going on with a growing understanding and terror that seeps into her exhausted and traumatized brain, the life-saving actions of the doctors and nurses inside that cramped white room both quick and purposeful as they tend to the small figure in the bed; the woman's sallow skin the color of wax and bright red flecks dotting the long blonde hair that is spread out across the pillow and surrounds her head like a halo.

"She'll be okay, Liv. She has to be. She just has to be. There's no other option." Olivia becomes aware of Fin's repeated murmuring words beside her, the older man sounding on the verge of tears as he observes his partner's prone body in the bed, and she lets a hand drift down between them to envelop his larger one within hers, their fingers linking together and holding on tightly, each acting as a lifeline to the other as their co-worker and friend struggles to hold onto her own.

Amanda's fragile form is being dwarfed by the myriad of machines that encircle the narrow hospital bed she is laying in, a tube protruding from nearly every part of her unnaturally still body, the other woman unable to breathe by herself and the continuous wail of alarms indicating that she is rapidly losing her precarious grip on life, the hard-fought battle to survive threatening to become a fight that she cannot win.

Olivia rubs impatiently at eyelids that are swollen from crying and weighed down by fatigue as they listen to the medical jargon being rattled off by the team of doctors and nurses that are tending to Amanda's every need, watching what is happening in the next room with rapt attention, and the quick and precise words being spoken at a rapid-fire pace might as well be in a different language for all that Olivia is able to comprehend. She knows that Amanda had barely survived the surgery to remove the bullet that had just missed her heart after being resuscitated in the ambulance, and is extremely lucky to have made it out of the operating room alive, the critically injured woman hanging on by a thread, and that it remains to be seen whether or not she will pull through. Despite the drastic measures that are presently taking place to save Amanda's life, Fin seems to have taken it upon himself to assure Olivia over and over again that what is currently unfolding before them is to be expected after the trauma that the younger woman has been forced to endure throughout the day; that there has been too much strain put on her body and she just needs some time to recover, and someone as young and strong as Amanda should be able to bounce back from this horrific ordeal and go on to lead a normal life.

Olivia nods slowly in response, unable to find the words to verbally reply to her colleague's placating voice and fighting the urge to snarl at Fin about suddenly becoming such a medical expert; very doubtful of his certainty that Amanda will survive when she is quite clearly dying right in front of them, her eyes remaining fixed unblinkingly on the blonde detective and wishing she could return to the safety of her dreamworld. During Olivia's uneasy and fragmented slumber, her mind had apparently chosen to play out exactly how that day _should_ have gone, with Olivia asking the other woman over to her place for what would hopefully be their first of many dates; wine and Chinese food and a movie the trifecta of a lighthearted and enjoyable evening together.

But instead of spending the night sitting on her comfortable couch and indulging in too much alcohol while she chats and laughs with Amanda, waiting for the wine to calm the nerves she has about being in such close proximity to the other woman and thrilled with herself for finally working up enough courage to ask her out, Olivia has spent the past few hours slumped next to Amanda's hospital bed while keeping a quiet and almost constant vigil, cursing herself for falling asleep when she had. Her head had been resting on the cold metal railing of the bed as she had drifted off into an uneasy and exhausted snooze while the fingers of one hand were threaded firmly through Amanda's, much like they are now with Fin's, the other hand stroking soothingly through matted blonde hair that was still flecked with bits of dried blood, occasionally murmuring to her fellow detective to just hold on and that it wasn't her time to go yet, those three little words that she is suddenly desperate to say seemingly lodged inside her throat.

As the carefully controlled chaos continues in the next room, Olivia is aware of Nick joining them at the window, the younger man's expression and tone radiating utter panic as he demands to know what is going on, a cup of steaming coffee clutched in his right hand and his left one slipping into Olivia's so that the three of them are standing there in a disheveled row of mussed hair and quivering limbs, teary eyes and linked fingers, watching in horror as their teammate's life hangs in the balance yet again, Amanda toeing the line between life and death.

All Olivia wants is for those crystal blue eyes to spring open and fix upon her with their usual mix of adoration and challenge; for one of Amanda's customary sarcastic quips to spill from lips that she may never get the chance to kiss. Her biggest wish is that the woman she has fallen head over heels in love with will get up from that bed and announce that this was just some silly mistake; that she is perfectly fine and will be returning to work the next day, chastising them all for crying over her like a bunch of dramatic babies, those cerulean eyes rolling in exasperation and a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth.

Olivia knows that she is no longer ensconced in the world of her dreams, though; that the brightly lit corridor of the hospital and the constantly shrieking alarms in the next room are harsh reality and it is playing out before them like a waking nightmare that they have no control over, Amanda's eyes remaining firmly closed and a breathing tube emerging from between her lips, her fellow detective's small body unnaturally still and silent.

"I need to go back in there," Olivia is mumbling before she even realizes that she has spoken aloud, noiseless tears trailing wet pathways down cheeks that are flushed with stress and exhaustion, quite sure that she is about to watch the woman she loves lose her life and unwilling to let Amanda be alone in this moment.

"Liv, you know you're not allowed to do that," Fin chides gently as he tightens his grip on her fingers, and Olivia can feel Nick doing the same with her other hand, as if her colleagues are trying to hold her in place so she doesn't do something that might jeopardize Amanda's health. "You have to give the doctors space to do their jobs."

"But she needs me," Olivia chokes out in a voice that is overflowing with suppressed emotion, realizing that she needs to stop talking before she gives her secret away and lets on just how deeply she feels for the beautiful woman lying in that bed. "I don't want her to be alone."

"She's not alone," Nick assures her softly, Olivia glancing over at her partner to see that the unshed tears that have been swimming in his dark eyes have come spilling down his face. "We're right here, watching over her."

"But I need to tell her-" Olivia abruptly cuts herself off with a hoarse cry as words that are meant to be kept private start to tumble out from between her parted lips, and she yanks her hand away from Nick's to press it over her mouth in an effort to hold everything inside; the intense sobs and feelings that are threatening to burst forth in a messy display of emotion, terrified that Amanda will never know how much she truly means to her.

As the doctors and nurses continue to work frantically in the next room, orders being given in commanding voices that are sharp and clipped and tense, Olivia is suddenly pressing herself hopefully against the window, her heart galloping wildly inside her chest when all of the people packed into a tight little knot around the bed shift just enough so that she can see a small pale hand moving ever so slightly against the sheets.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the final chapter of the story. Thank you for reading, and I very much appreciate the reviews! :)**

 **I forgot to mention that Frannie doesn't exist in this fic.**

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Olivia's heart is pounding so frantically inside her chest as she stands in the doorway of Amanda's hospital room that she wouldn't be surprised if it was actually audible to everyone else around her; if the doctors and nurses and her teammates were able to hear the thumping of an organ that feels like it is beating much too quickly and might decide to leap right out from the confines of her rib cage if given a chance. The harsh lighting of the interior of the tiny space is causing her to squint in discomfort as she keeps her eyes fixed firmly on the small figure lying in the bed, as if the monitors might begin blaring suddenly again if Olivia's gaze isn't trained directly on her at all times, indicating that Amanda has taken another turn for the worse.

The most glorious sentence that has ever been spoken by anyone on the planet is still ringing in her ears with an immense amount of relief that Olivia has never felt before; the words "she's been stabilized" having caused a new flood of tears to pour from exhausted dark eyes, as well as giant bear hugs from her co-workers. This time the actions had been full of a joyful hope and solace, although there is the lingering fear that the terrifying scene that had just taken place in their colleague's room can play itself out again at any time. There are sticky beads of sweat dotted across Olivia's forehead and slicked underneath her arms, and their minuscule section of the Surgical Intensive Care Unit whirls around her in a dizzying array of color and sound as Olivia wills herself to calm down and not collapse onto the floor in a traumatized heap of quivering limbs and overwhelming emotions.

They are allowed to say a very brief goodnight to Amanda, who is drifting in and out of a heavily drugged sleep, before departing the hospital until morning, as it is now well past visiting hours, but Olivia feels very uneasy about leaving the other woman alone for that length of time and is contemplating putting up a fight if the doctors and nurses insist on it. She has personally witnessed two of the blonde detective's near-death experiences in the past several hours and knows there was another close call in the operating room earlier, and is convinced something horrific is going to happen if she goes home, loathe to leave Amanda in such a frightening place while she returns to her comfortable apartment to snuggle up in her warm and cozy bed.

Fin and Nick are milling anxiously about in the hallway while Olivia walks slowly toward the hospital bed, the men conversing in low tones as they pace back and forth and wait for their own quick visits inside the room with Amanda. Her heart is in her throat as she cautiously approaches the small form tucked beneath the crisp white sheets and dwarfed by the myriad of medical equipment around her, Olivia's breath catching sharply when she sees that the younger woman's eyes are partly open, hazy gaze wandering in a confused and sluggish manner around the room before they fix right upon her and widen slightly in response.

"Hey there, sweetheart," Olivia whispers in a somewhat choked tone of voice as she sits down clumsily in the chair she had been forced to vacate when the alarms had begun blaring, ripping her from the pleasant dream she had been absorbed in and signifying that Amanda was in severe distress. "How are you doing? You've given us all quite a few scares today."

She knows that Amanda is unable to reply because of the tube that has been placed in her throat, so she leans forward to gently sweep a mop of blood-flecked golden hair away from the other woman's ashen face, her complexion as white as the sheets due to the amount of blood she has lost, stroking a tender fingertip along a prominent cheekbone before letting her hand come to rest on the bed near one of Amanda's.

"I just came in here to say a quick goodnight and then Fin and Nick are going to do the same," Olivia explains softly, picking up the limp, clammy fingers beside her own and giving them a very light squeeze. "They want us to go home and let you get some rest, but we'll be back first thing in the morning to see you, and Cragen will be here too." She is wrestling internally with whether or not to put up a fight about leaving the hospital for the remainder of the night, terrified of leaving Amanda alone in her very precarious physical state but not wanting to put any undue stress on her by sticking around when she should be resting.

Even in the smaller woman's drug-induced and critically injured and most likely traumatized state, Olivia can see the blatant panic rising up in those crystal blue eyes that suddenly appear a bit more lucid and much more awake, the fingers that are linked within her own squeezing back with a strength that belies just how close to death the younger detective had been yet again. Olivia's heart is seizing painfully inside her chest as she watches tears swim to the surface of those cerulean orbs she thought she would never see again, and she shifts closer to the tiny form huddled beneath the covers, wanting more than anything to get up on the bed and hold Amanda in her arms during this hellish experience; to soothe the other woman's extreme physical and emotional agony, but knows that she will have to settle for sitting in a chair next to her instead of occupying the same bed.

"It's okay, honey, just try to stay calm," Olivia murmurs in a heartfelt tone as she struggles to keep her strong emotions in check and her own tears at bay, not wanting to scare Amanda and determined not to start crying again in her colleague's presence, especially when she remembers Amanda squeezing her wrist so forcefully as she was bleeding out on the ground in front of the precinct, similar to the way she is gripping onto her fingers now.

Amanda makes an anxious, strangled sound around the tube protruding from between her lips, the younger woman's eyelids clenching tightly shut as a single tear rolls down her cheek and trails a wet path across waxen skin, before her eyes fly open again and she is spearing Olivia with an intensely pleading look, as if silently begging her not to go. She hurriedly gets back to her feet to lean over her co-worker's quivering body, making soft shushing noises and gently wiping the stray tear away with the pad of her thumb, overcome with love and fear and a variety of other very powerful feelings, the potent mixture of emotions leaving her weak in the knees and struggling to hold herself together.

"Hey, hey, don't get all worked up, sweetheart, everything is okay," she says tenderly, bending down to press a very light kiss to Amanda's forehead and trying to convey a sense of peaceful security despite all of this chaos and alarm. "I'll stay right here with you, if that's what you want, okay? I promise I won't leave you alone, even if they try to kick me out. They'll have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming if they try to force me to leave." Olivia attempts to keep her voice upbeat with a slight amount of teasing, but knows that she speaks the truth; that there is no way in hell she is abandoning the woman she loves for the night when Amanda so clearly wants her to stay.

The blonde detective is nodding vigorously in response to this statement, a palpable relief shining plainly in her eyes, and Olivia gives her a brief smile before sitting gingerly back down in the chair but ready to spring back up again at a second's notice. She is aware of Fin and Nick waiting impatiently at the big glass window that looks into the room but is unwilling to stray from Amanda's side just yet, wanting to make sure there are no traces of anxiety left in the other woman's expression or demeanor before the men come in say goodnight.

"You should let yourself fall back to sleep if you need to, Amanda," Olivia suggests softly, observing the detective's very obvious fatigue and massaging her fingertips delicately through the golden mess of hair lying atop her colleague's head while trying to soothe her back into slumber. "The guys just want to come in and see you for a minute but they'll understand if you can't stay awake. And I promise I won't leave you alone and I'll be right here when you wake up. You need to get some more rest now, honey."

Amanda nods again in response and this time the movement is slower as her eyelids begin to droop closed, almost as if she has been waiting to be told that it is safe enough to go back to sleep, Olivia encouraging her over and over in a whispered tone to just relax and reassuring her that everything is okay. The smaller woman suddenly swipes a clumsy hand up toward the breathing tube as if she is just now realizing that the object is there and decides in her drug-induced and half-asleep state that it would be a good idea to try and yank it out, Olivia grabbing quickly at her arm and entwining their fingers together again, assuring her softly that the tube is there to help her breathe and to hold onto her hand instead.

After Amanda complies, her fingers linked through Olivia's and her breathing evening out, she throws a quick glance toward the window where her co-workers are engaged in conversation again and not paying much attention to them for the time being, the nurses bustling busily in and out as they adjust the settings on the machines and the bags of medication and blood that are hanging from the IV poles.

Olivia makes sure that she is essentially alone with Amanda in their own little bubble before leaning closer once more and putting her lips right next to the younger woman's ear, quite sure that the small detective has drifted off to sleep and can't hear a word she is saying but finally needing to get this out into the open just in case the worst happens.

"I love you, Amanda."

She lowers herself carefully back down onto the chair and watches as her co-worker's exhausted and pale features remain entirely slack, satisfied that those three little words are now out in the universe and they actually exist, even if Amanda will never hear them.

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"Okay, there you go, you're all tucked in," Olivia says with a false amount of cheer in her voice as she stands back to survey the miserable figure huddled beneath a blanket on the couch, not entirely happy with this arrangement but trying to respect Amanda's wishes and not assert her own opinion on the subject.

The younger woman is perched in what looks like an uncomfortable position on the couch in her living room, the two of them having just arrived home to Amanda's apartment after a lengthy hospital stay, the blonde detective now on the very long road to recovery after the critical gunshot wound she had suffered, and the subsequent emergency surgery, as well as many setbacks along the way. Amanda had insisted on setting up her sleeping quarters out on the couch instead of in her bedroom, claiming she was tired of laying in a bed and wanting to be in front of the TV, as there is not much else she is capable of doing just yet besides resting and watching television. The other woman is quite clearly in a lot of pain, despite the heavy medication she is on; her mood extremely foul even though she has just been released from "prison" as she had begun referring to her room in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit, as well as the floor downstairs that she had eventually been transferred to when she had finally been stabilized for a long enough period of time.

Olivia is busily arranging everything in the apartment so that Amanda has easy access to anything she might need, as well as unpacking all of the stuff that she has brought over from her own place, having taken some vacation time from the precinct to stay with Amanda during at least part of her recuperation at home. The younger woman had grudgingly accepted her offer to stay, despite her usual way of wanting to take care of everything herself, having been told repeatedly by the doctors that she needed someone there will her and apparently having gotten used to and even fond of Olivia's constant presence in her hospital room every single evening once she was done work for the day.

As she strides from room to room in the small apartment, making sure everything is just as it should be, Olivia can feel Amanda's gaze following her every move, and whenever she glances over at the other woman to make sure she is okay, she is so grateful that there is complete awareness in those crystal blue eyes; that even though they are full of pain and exhaustion and weariness, they are animated and entirely conscious of what is going on. She can't get that empty, staring gaze out of her mind no matter how hard she tries; those lifeless blue eyes that had fixed so vacantly upon her outside of the precinct when Olivia had held her hands over Amanda's chest to stop the gush of blood that wouldn't stop flowing, when she had begged the other woman to just hold on a little bit longer, when she had thought that was the last time they would ever have any interaction and Amanda was fading from existence.

When she hears a small gasp of pain as the smaller woman shifts awkwardly on the cushions, Olivia comes to a complete halt in front of the couch with her arms full of clothes that need to be hung up, fixing Amanda with a sympathetic look. "How are you feeling, honey?" she inquires softly, biting the inside of her cheek when she sees the tears welling up in the detective's eyes and watching her colleague blink them back impatiently, as if she doesn't have time for such nonsense.

"I'm fine," Amanda mutters in a casual tone, waving a flippant hand as if to tell Olivia to continue on with what she has been doing and not bother with her.

"It's obvious that you're in pain," Olivia admonishes gently, setting the heap of clothing onto the coffee table and turning back around to frown down at Amanda in concern. "It's okay to cry and show some weakness around me," she reminds her quietly, remembering how strong Amanda had tried to be during her hospital stay; intent on remaining as independent as possible and not breaking down, even when the pain was excruciating and she was going stir crazy within the tight confines of her room.

"It's not that bad," Amanda replies stubbornly, although her gaze has drifted away from Olivia's face to focus on the television now, some ridiculous show that is playing on the comedy channel apparently catching her attention.

"I don't believe you," Olivia answers with a slight roll of her eyes, picking up the remote and pressing the mute button so Amanda will concentrate on her once again. "Why don't we do something to take your mind off things for the evening? Since you don't want to move into the bedroom, we can camp out right here for the night and have our own little slumber party; pizza and popcorn and movies, narcotics for you and alcohol for me."

"That sounds like quite a party," Amanda chuckles tiredly, a hint of grateful affection showing through the pain and exhaustion and grumpiness now. "Don't get too wild tonight, Liv. I'm not sure if I can handle it just yet."

"I'll try to control myself," Olivia laughs softly, smiling down at the other woman as they share in the lighthearted joke, privately acknowledging that she will definitely not be drinking anything stronger than coffee for the next several days so she can be there for absolutely anything that Amanda might need, including any emergency trips back to the hospital if the pain gets too out of control or if there are any other important issues that crop up.

Amanda shifts uncomfortably again beneath the blanket that Olivia had tucked around her shivering body as soon as they had gotten home earlier, letting out another small gasp of pain and the sound proceeding to rip Olivia's heart to shreds in response. She stands there for a moment with her hands on her hips as she observes the younger woman's anguish before tapping her lightly on the shoulder and motioning for her to move forward slightly on the cushions, wanting to do everything she possibly can to obliterate her colleague's agony. Amanda frowns up at her in question for a few seconds before seeming to understand what her co-worker is implying, and slides forward on the couch with a soft grunt so that Olivia can slip in behind her with very deliberate and delicate movements.

"Lean back against me, sweetheart," she instructs softly, enveloping Amanda in her tender embrace as the smaller woman slowly adjusts her position so that her back is resting against her fellow detective's chest, Olivia's arms looped very loosely around her waist and the inside of her legs bracing the outside of Amanda's, mindful of causing any unnecessary pain to the blonde woman.

She can both hear and feel Amanda trying to stifle quiet sobs as Olivia holds the shaking form so gently and with a great deal of care, murmuring soothing words of comfort into her ear as she rocks them both leisurely from side to side, the severe loss of weight and muscle tone from the small detective's catastrophic injury and long hospital stay very apparent and causing Amanda to feel so tiny and fragile in her arms. "Is there anything I can do for you?" she whispers into the tousled blonde hair next to her lips, Amanda having showered with the help of a nurse just before leaving the hospital and smelling fresh and clean, the subtle scent of lilacs surrounding them.

"You're already doing it," the other woman whispers back, her head resting on Olivia's shoulder and turning to the side so that her face is pressing into her neck, minty breath exhaling in warm puffs of air against her skin. "Thank you for taking care of me, Liv." There is a short pause before Amanda continues in a saucy and confident tone that is still clearly laced with pain. "Even though I could have done it myself."

Olivia chuckles lightly, appreciating the brief display of Amanda's usual cocky attitude and relieved to see that familiar playful sarcasm evident beneath the layers of physical and emotional trauma, as well as the very heavy medication she is still consuming around the clock. "Yes, I'm sure you could have taken care of yourself, honey, but you're very welcome," she chortles in mock agreement, shivering slightly when she feels another warm breath of air hit her skin, Amanda burying her face even further into her neck.

They sit there in silence together for several minutes, their bodies entwined on the couch and the TV playing at a low volume in the background, the shared quiet somewhat contemplative as if they are both lost in the own thoughts. Olivia's arms tighten incrementally around the frail body in front of her, Amanda feeling like she is going to break if she squeezes too hard, so glad to finally be able to do for the blonde detective what she had been unable to do for her in the hospital, and that is to hold her. It had been so difficult to sit at Amanda's bedside day after day and watch her suffer while she was hooked up to so much medical equipment and not able to do anything more for her besides hold her hand. Olivia cherishes this feeling now, the feeling of having Amanda alive and safe in her arms and hoping she will only continue to grow stronger as the weeks go on; looking forward to the day when her fellow detective will be able to take her rightful place back at the precinct with her teammates and rejoin them out in the field.

Her breath catches suddenly in her throat, her heart giving a quick, surprised leap inside her chest when she feels Amanda move her head slightly and then a soft pair of lips being pressed very gently into the side of her neck in a prolonged action that could be conveyed as a gesture of tenderness or gratitude or perhaps something more. Olivia's stomach has begun turning very active somersaults and she is about to open her mouth to say something when she realizes that Amanda is weeping softly into her neck now, the smaller woman's tears wetting her skin and sliding down beneath the collar of her shirt. Hot tears well up in her own eyes in response to her colleague's pain but before she can begin speaking, Amanda is murmuring quiet words into her shoulder that cause Olivia's heart to start pounding even faster.

"I was so scared, Liv," the blonde detective mumbles in a nearly inaudible tone, Olivia feeling a gentle thumb moving back and forth against her ribs while she talks. "I was so scared that I would never see you again, that I would never get the chance to tell you..."

"Tell me what?" Olivia asks softly when Amanda trails off, remembering with excruciating accuracy when the younger woman had been trying to tell her something after she had been shot and how she had told the other woman that it could wait, not wanting her co-worker to exert herself in her critically injured state.

"The same thing you told me," Amanda whispers as she turns around with a sharp wince and pulls back slightly to fix Olivia with bloodshot eyes, tears dripping at a steady rate over her pale cheeks.

"What did I say?" Olivia whispers back, her heart hammering wildly inside her chest now as their gazes bore into each other with an unwavering intensity.

Amanda gives her a small, knowing smile and raises a slim hand to stroke the backs of her fingers against Olivia's cheekbone, her eyelids fluttering closed at the soft touch. "That's what kept me going, Olivia; knowing you felt the same way about me that I do about you. That's what got me through all of those long days in the intensive care unit, when I wasn't sure if I was going to survive or not."

Olivia is at a complete loss for words for a moment as she lets what Amanda has just said slowly sink in, at once stunned and elated and hopeful for a future she didn't think she had a chance at; a future that she wasn't sure would ever exist, for more reasons than one. "I...I didn't think you heard me, I thought you were asleep," she finally stutters out when she is able to find her voice again, matching tears trailing down her own face now as her eyes drift open slowly.

"Are those allergies acting up again, Liv?" Amanda teases gently before pressing her forehead against Olivia's as they share a teary laugh. "I heard what you said just as I was falling asleep. I was hoping it wasn't some drug-induced dream, but as the weeks went on and you were by my side every single step of the way, it became apparent that it wasn't; that what I had heard was real."

"Yes, it was very real," Olivia confirms softly, leaning her head even closer to Amanda's to press a lingering kiss to her cheek, feeling like her emotions are about to explode from inside in an intense wave of relief and joy. "The day that it happened...when you got hurt...I was going to ask you out on a date. I wanted you to come over to my place for the evening. That's-" She stumbles on her words for a moment when she remembers the dream she had experienced right after Amanda had barely made it through surgery and how realistic it had all seemed until everything had turned into a nightmare. "That's what should have happened that day; the way things _should_ have gone."

"Well, let's do it now," Amanda suggests gently with another smile, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind Olivia's ear. "This can be our first date, right here on my couch. It's not exactly the ideal situation, but we've got movies and popcorn and pizza, as well as a fully stocked liquor cabinet and access to some mind-altering drugs, so it could be worse."

Olivia throws her head back and laughs, dragging an arm across her face to rid herself of the tears that are obscuring her vision and not wanting to miss a single second with this woman she loves so intensely, especially after she had come so close to losing her, those wide blue eyes that had first caught Olivia's attention upon her introduction to Amanda staring back at her with a joyful twinkle. The blonde detective is sitting there in obvious pain and exhaustion, long golden hair rumpled and checkered pajamas wrinkled, complexion as white as snow with tear tracks staining her cheeks, but to Olivia she has never looked more beautiful, more alive.

"I love you, Amanda," she whispers fervently, so grateful that her colleague is finally awake and coherent as she says those three little words, caressing her knuckles across a prominent cheekbone and sliding her hand up to gently cup the back of the younger woman's head before bringing their faces closer together so their lips are hovering only millimeters apart from one another.

"I love you too, Olivia." Amanda closes the tiny remaining gap between them, their lips pressing together in the softest of touches before the kiss deepens and they both become lost in the incredible sensations, Olivia careful to pull away slightly before the gesture can become too heated and things get out of hand while the small detective is still recovering.

As they sit there curled up together on the cushions and try to catch their breaths, fingers linked and smiles stretching across both of their faces, Olivia looks adoringly at the woman who means more to her than anyone she has ever known, Amanda's gaze locked intently upon her own and those crystal blue eyes now radiating nothing more than a glorious combination of joy and love and life.


End file.
